Jude: You're not fixing it!
Ezra: I'm only like 7 years old, not like a professional toy fixer!

Jude, ready to go to preschool early on pajama day: I never have a bad day when it's pajama day!

Jude: Actually, we are kind of made out of steaks.

After a game of UNO.
Jude: I got first place!  It's just because I'm way more smarter.

Taking the kids to parents' night out at the Y.
Lauren: Y'all might be able to see the moon.  I saw it earlier when I took a walk.
Jude: Did it come out of your butt?
Lauren: Y'all don't get kicked out of the Y.

Listening to the radio.
Jude: Santa Claus?
Me: Yeah, this is a Christmas song.  "I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus."
Jude: Where?

Jude: I want to go to college somewhere far away from our house so I can relax.

Jude: I wonder why bad guys laugh.  Nothing's funny.

Jude: I never goin' to school.
Ezra: Good luck being stupid.

Me: Jude, why did you tape a quarter to the floor?
Jude: I 'on't know.

Jude, trying to talk me out of going to Lowes: There's no beer or anything, there's just tools, tools, tools!

I walked in on Jude in the playroom.
Me: Was that you making those noises?
Jude: No.
Me: I heard some funny noises and I couldn't figure out where they were coming from.
Jude: Oh, whatever.  Just go now.

Lauren: Are you doing anything for Thanksgiving at preschool?  Maybe naming things you're thankful for?
Jude: We made a paper chain.
Me: What did you put on the chain that you were thankful for?
Jude: Sharks.
Me: Oh.
...
Jude: But there was another one, too.  We did two.
Me: Oh!  What was the other thing you were thankful for?
Jude: Sharks.  They were both sharks.

Kids sitting at the bar eating breakfast.
Ezra: AAAAH!
Lauren: What happened?
Ezra: I bit my finger.
Jude: I thought you looked down and you were scared of heights.

Me: Did y'all know Mama delivered a baby last night?
Jude: Delivered one?  Delivered it to who?

Just got this email from Ezra's teacher:

"Hi Keri Beth and Lauren.

Ezra has told me that he would like to tell the class that if they bring in boxtops to the Halloween party he has a monster he has made for them. It was a little unclear in talking with him if he had enough for the whole class if everyone brought a boxtop and a little unclear exactly what it was. I just wanted to check in with you before he says something to the class.

If this is something that is doable and he wants to do it, he can tell the class about it tomorrow. I had told him telling them tomorrow would be even better because they wouldn't have to remember it for so much time.

Thanks,

Sally"

At McDonald's.
Jude: I smell poison.
Ezra: But it's edible poison, Jude.  You can eat it.

Jude: When I'm 7, Ezra will be 9.  When I'm a grown-up, will Ezra be dead?

Ezra: Don't forget my ear plugs!
Me: I'm not sure I know where they are.
Jude: I know!  Follow me. ... I just need a really long arm... [fishes under dresser] There!  There they are.
Me: How did you know they were under there?
Jude: Just guessed.

Jude: SCREEN TIME! SCREEN TIME!! Ezra, we can have SCREEN TIME!!!
Ezra: Just in a minute. I've only got like, four more pages.

Jude: I don't sneak on you now that I'm 5, except the chemicals [germs] kind of made me wake up and sneak on you last night.

Jude: Mommy--we're planning--I'm going to be alive when you're dead.

Jude, whispering to Sammy: Hiking. Hiking. Hiking. Hiking.
Me: Hiking?
Jude: Sammy's the king.

Ezra, upset because the tooth fairy only left a golden dollar despite his request for a toy: I just feel like it's not even worth waiting for this tooth to come out if all I get is a golden dollar.

Jude: I want a waffle with peanut butter and regular butter and honey and berries.
...
Me: Okay, here you go.
Jude: Now cut it up.
Me: You can cut it. You use the side of your fork like this, see?
Jude: I can't do it!
Me: Do you want a metal fork that might work better?
Jude: Yeah.
Me: Here you go.
Jude: I need you to do it!
Me: You can either cut it like I showed you or just pick up the whole thing with your fork and take bites off of it. Figure it out.
Jude: HEEEEEELP!!! HEEEELP, MAMA, HEEEEEELP!

Me: Oops. It looks like all the spoons are in the dishwasher and it's still running, so I guess we can drink the soup out of mugs.
Jude: One of my preschool friends brought soup and didn't have a spoon and Ms. Jen tried to force her to drink it, but she wouldn't do it.

Jude: Let's watch all the sports!

Ezra: When Keenan loses his teeth, the tooth fairy brings him LEGO sets, and a chocolate cake, and a shark tooth, and five dollars.
Jude: This time, we write a note that says, "Do it or elpse."
Lauren: Or elpse what?
Jude: Or elpse.
Lauren: Yeah, but what are you going to do if she doesn't do it? Or else what?
Jude: Just "or elpse."

Jude: Ezra, I know what kind of birthday party I'm having. A surprise family birthday party.
Ezra: But Jude, you can't have a surprise party because you already know about it.
Jude (whispering): I will forget!

Hair stylist: What are you doing after this?
Jude: Getting a ice cream of course.

Jude, playing with Ezra: I got wheels! These are gluten-free wheels.

Jude: Do meat-eaters eat candy, or meat candy?

Jude: If we were meat eaters, we'd put meat in our smoothies.

Me: Jude, come see! This squirrel is doing a mating call. See? He's singing that call and shaking his tail and trying to get girl squirrels to notice him.
Jude: I talk to the squirrel. I tell him, he could just get her flowers or something. He said maybe.

Jude: Me and Ezra came up with a code to keep out the grown-ups, and no grown-ups can know the code!
Me: Please tell me!
Jude: NO!
Me: Please tell me!
Jude: Okay.

Jude: If I was a dung beetle, I would definitely not want to be a dung beetle.

In the parking lot of the Y, a man driving a minivan and a girl in a carseat were waving at Jude.
Me: Do you know that girl from Child Watch?
Jude: Yeah. We play house together. I was the puppy.
Me: And she was your owner?
Jude: No, she was the cat.

Jude: Monsters aren't real. Except for bats.

Jude: If you kick somebody in one of their privacy parts, you get a point.

Me: I think you guys might be kind of scared by Tomorrowland. It has robots shooting people.
Jude: Robots shooting people? That doesn't sound scary to me. I hate sweet stuff. Nice stuff. That doesn't sound scary.

Jude: I don't really wash my hands after I go poop, but I do really wash my hands before we cook.

Playing Go Fish.
Jude: Do you got any sheshells?
Ezra: Jude, it's she-sells.
Ezra: Do you got any horses?
Jude: You can just buy them online.

Jude, punching Ezra in the butt: Gotcha! Right in the kisser!

Jude: Know why I like this? Because it's red and the top of it is green. My favorite color is red. And my second favorite color is green. ... Duh.

Ezra: Know what's weird? Push-ups kind of remind me of mashed potatoes. I was thinking we should have mashed potatoes for dinner.
Me: Why do push-ups remind you of mashed potatoes?
Ezra: I don't know.

Jude: He has a boyfriend?
Me: Yeah.
Jude: Can a boy marry a boy?
Me: Yeah.
Jude: Well, I don't know who I gonna marry, but I not gonna marry anybody.

Me: Weren't you wearing underpants when you went to preschool this morning?
Jude: Yeah.
Me: What happened to them?
Jude: I peed on them a little bit.
Me: Oh. So where are they?
Jude: I put them in the bag with my extra clothes.

In the bath, Jude's wagging his butt in Ezra's face.
Ezra: Jude, you've got some poop on your butt.
Jude: I gone wipe it on you! You da toilet paper, you da toilet paper!

Jude: Mommy, the body swap is today?
Me: ...the what?
Jude: YOU KNOW. The thing your friends are coming to.
Me: Ooooh. The clothing swap.

Playing a conversation game called Family Talk.
Me: Ezra, here's your question: "What's the scariest thing that ever happened to you?"
Ezra: ....Probably that time you forgot about me and left me in the store and then Mama came back and found me.
Me: What? Baby, I never left you in a store. That didn't happen.
Ezra: Really? I thought that happened.
Me: No. Maybe you dreamed it.
Ezra: Then that dream was the scariest thing that ever happened to me.

Ezra: ...and the Enderdragon is like, a FOOT long.
Me: Wow.
Ezra: And not like a little kid's foot, like a grown-up foot!

Me: Hmmm, I see someone took the lid off the flour and stuck their fingers in it. I wonder who that was.
Jude: I would guess, me.

Jude: Can we hear this cd?
Me: Sure! That's a good one.
Ezra: What's it called?,
Me: Actually, it has a bad word in the title. It doesn't have bad words in the music, though.
Ezra: What is it?
Me: It's called "Bitches Brew." "Bitch" is a bad word. You shouldn't say it. You'd get in trouble if you said it at school.
Ezra: I've never even heard of it. What does it mean?
Me: It's a very rude word for a woman.
Jude: Mommy, you're a bitch!
Me: No, Jude, we don't say that word. That's very rude.
Jude: Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.
Me: Jude, NO. We don't use that bad word. Don't say it again or you'll lose your story tonight.
Jude: That wasn't me, Sammy say it! ..... Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

Ezra: OW!!!
Jude: Sowwy. Ezra: Juuude, I know you did it on purpose 'cause you said, "1 2 3 slap!"

Ezra: There's an edumacational book on dragons at the book fair, and it comes with a necklace with a real dragon tooth!

The last couple of times I've gone grocery shopping I've picked up some flavored sparkling water, which Jude loves.
Jude: What flavor is this one, Mommy?
Me: Peach-Pear.
Jude: And what flavor was the last one?
Me: Grapefruit.
Jude: Is there a cheese flavor?

Jude, dancing naked in front of the mirror: I'm ready, New York City!

I told the kids they could watch TV after they cleaned up the playroom.
Ezra: Next time, know what I'm going to tell Mommy?
Jude: What?
Ezra: I'm gonna say, "Mommy, clean up the playroom."
Jude: Yeah. Good.

Trying to explain the adoption to the kids.
Me:...so Mama's always been your mom just like me, but now, legally, she's as much your mom as I am.
Jude: So Mama not go to work anymore?

Jude: What's a treadmill?
Me: They're the machines people are running on in there. See, the belt moves in a loop so you have to keep running to stay in the same place.
Jude: If you don't keep up, it make you flat?

Jude: Ezra, you're my best big brother.
Ezra: I'm your only big brother, Jude.
Jude: You're my best, only big brother.

Ezra: Can I have some of your orange, Mommy? I mean Jude?
Mommy: You can get your own Jude. I mean orange.

Jude, on wearing a bowtie: This makes me feel like I know stuff.

Ezra: Zach, guess what? Tomorrow's my mom's birthday.
Zach: Tomorrow's your mom's birthday?
Jude: Yeah. DUH.

Jude: Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy.
Me: What?
Jude: Mommy, when I'm a grown-up, you think I have a baby?
Me: You can if you want to.
Jude: I want to.
Jude: Will it hurt when it make the hole and come out?

Jude: What are you doing?
Me: I'm putting hot sauce in the trash can so if Sammy tries to get into it again it'll stop him.
Jude: It kill him?

Jude: I'm ready for wiping! ... My butt looks awesome, thank you!

Jude, playing with Magformers: Look, I made a mama bird and a baby bird!
Lauren: Nice!
Me: Isn't that sweet? [sotto voce] Isn't that nice? Nobody's kicking anybody in the face or anything...
Jude: And this is a meteorite.

Jude: Oh my goodness sakes.

Ezra: Do you want to play Paw Patrol?
Jude: I would love that! Genius! Genius! You're a genius, Ezra!

Jude, putting his hand in front of Ezra's mouth: Bite me. Bite me, Ezra, then I bite you.

Jude: Give me your chin so I can kiss you on the lips. I want to sleep in your bed. ... What's a pedipus?

Jude: Nooo! I don't wanna go potty. Sammy says I don't have to go potty.

Jude’s Story

Once upon a time there was a war. And then they didn’t watch TV every day, they just battle every day. And they don’t wear diapers, they just went potty every time. And also they didn’t watch TV, but they only used machines to battle. And also there’s good guys helping them battle. And also they do something good. Also they save heroes. And they have guitars and they have hammers. And they always have fingers. And they can shake hands. And they love jaguars. And they love space people. And they drop their stuff on the floor.

The end.

Ezra, coming out of his bedroom ten minutes after he's gone to bed: Mommy, I had a good dream and I had to act it out, and now my bed is not that neat.

Me: Ezra, why are you rubbing the table?
Ezra: I'm pretending to be a DJ.