December 28, 7am: Jude starts sobbing when he suddenly realizes he didn't get a jaguar for Christmas.

Me: Jude, what's your favorite vegetable?
Jude: Macaroni cheese.
Me: Macaroni and cheese isn't a vegetable. What's your favorite vegetable?
Jude: Chips.

Cashier at the grocery store: What's your name, cutie?
Jude: Jude.
Cashier: And what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?
Jude: A jaguar.

Me: Jude, quit messing with Sammy or he might bite you.
Jude: Yeah, I want Sammy to catch me and bite me!
Me: No you don't. It would really hurt. He might make you bleed.
Ezra: He might bite your leg off.
Jude: No he not!
Ezra: He might.

Jude wanted to take us to see his imaginary house where he lives with his imaginary friend John, both of which he's been talking about for weeks. We walked up and down the street a bit, but he didn't see it, and then he told me, "I really need the car."

Jude's jokes fall into two categories: nonsensical knock-knock and statements that aren't true, both of which are preceded by "I got a joke for you." Yesterday we parked at the Y and I put him in his coat and hat for the walk into Child Watch, but he didn't want to wear his hat, so I put it back in the car. He said, "I not wear my hat 'cause the babies grab it." "Do the babies grab your things?" "Yeah. ... I got a joke for you. I like babies."

Jude: Knock knock.
Me: Who's there?
Jude: Butt.
Me: Butt who?
Jude: You butt. Now laugh.

Jude: How is that a grocery store?
Me: I don't understand the question.
Jude: HOW IS THAT A GROCERY STORE? YOU NOT LISTENING TO MY WORDS!!

Looking at old photos.
Jude: What's in Mommy's belly?
Lauren: That's baby Ezra.
Jude: Mommy eat Ezwa?!

Ezra: I'm okay with peeing in my pants. It keeps me warm.

The kids on the pumpkin pie:
Ezra: Hey, wait a minute! I want a bigger piece, because Jude got more than me and I'm skinnier than he is!
Ezra: Hey, this isn't /that/ bad!
Jude (reassuringly): It not taste bad.

Ezra, after taking a crap at Katie's house: Why does Aunt Katie's house smell like poop?

Jude, crying in the car: I can't see, I can't see, I CAN'T SEE MY FACE!

Ezra: I want my room decorated like a Christmas tree, but with Star Wars stuff instead of ornaments.

Jude: What dis road called?
Me: Riceville Road.
Jude: Dat's a funny name.
Me: What do you think it ought to be called?
Jude: Mailbox Road.

Me: Why are you biting your fingers?
Jude: 'Cause dey're 'licious!

Ezra told me he just learned from a classmate about the "Witch Witch," who takes children's Halloween candy and replaces it with a gift. "Harper told me, and I was soooooo surprised!"

Discussing a trip to the pool this afternoon.

Jude: And den we get our pull-ups on!
Me: You're so good at using the potty now, I don't think you need a swim diaper anymore. Are you going to pee or poop in the pool?
Jude: Umm........pee.

Jude, holding a family picture from last year: Who took dis picture, Mommy? Who took dis picture?
Me: My friend Amanda.
Jude: Who took dis picture??
Me: Amanda.
...

Jude: Where da man in dis picture? Where da man??
Me: ? Where's the...man?
Lauren: "Amanda."

Ezra playing with a friend at Fall Family Night yesterday:
Sky: Blam, blam! I got you!
Ezra: Sky, Evergreen is a school for peace.

Jude (holding up five fingers): I'm this many.
Me: Not yet. That's five.
Jude: Hey! Ezra's that many!
Me: That's right.
Jude: You're that many!
Me: Not me. I'm 32.
Jude: Hold your fingers up.

Jude, making a stick puppet talk to a grape that's part of his snack: 'You was in Jude's MOUTH?' 'No, I not in Jude's mouth. Don't worry.'

A transcript of 20 seconds of our drive home just now.
Ezra: ...and then a white mask with black stripes, and white pants and black stripes. And there has to be a tail on the back of the mask. Does that sound pretty easy?
Jude: Why it gettin' dark outside? Why it dark outside??
Ezra: When are my teeth going to fall out?
Jude: When grocery store people go to bed?
Ezra: Because now would be a really good time for my teeth to fall out.
Jude: Can I see your tooth fall out, Ezra? Can I see it?

Jude had an accident at Tiny Tykes and came home in some skintight polka dot knit shorts borrowed from my friend's daughter. We got home and he told me, "I like dese pants." :)

Jude, playing with Lego villains and their vehicles: 'Hi, I a bad guy. Are you a bad guy?' Dey bad guys. Dey go upstairs to see der moms. Dey get out der car seats and go grocery store.

Ezra, showing me his LEGO creation: Mommy, this is a Bat Runner. If you push this button, it will go and go and go all night and day and never stop. Will a canyon stop it?
Me: ...no?
Ezra: Not at all! What if it runs into a house, can that stop it?
Me: No?
Ezra: No. It will go right over the house and keep going. What if a shark eats it? Can that stop it?
Me: Yes?
Ezra: No! It will go in and come right back out. Can an earthquake stop it?
Me: No?
Ezra: No. It will go in the earthquake and come back out. Can it stop a tornado?
Me: Yes?
Ezra: It can stop thirteen tornadoes. Would you like to ride in this crazy vehicle?

Crash from the next room.
Me: Is everybody okay?
Ezra: Yes!
Me: Good.
Ezra: Or maybe the opposite.

Me: Ezra, do you have to go potty?
Ezra: No.
...
Me: Ezra, are you sure you don't have to go potty?
Ezra: No, I don't.
Me: Then why are you holding your penis?
Ezra: I'm just rubbing it. I'm telling my penis "good boy!"

Jude: I wanna read gingerbread book.
Me: Sure! I love gingerbread men--they're delicious.
Jude: No! No, no, dey our friends.

Ezra: Where's my kite? I want to pack it for the beach.
Jude: We share it? We share it?
Me: Yeah, you can share it.
Jude: I go on top, Ezwa go on bottom.
Me: ...Jude, how do you think a kite works?
Jude: You hold on, and it make you fwy!

Optician: Did you see fireworks for the fourth?
Ezra: Yes, and we went to a fourth of July party, but just me and Jude went, we went with Granny and Papa George, Mommy and our Mama stayed here, and there were hats and glasses and flags and a crown that lighted up and we had cupcakes, and we saw-ed fireworks when we got back home, and we did-ed everything on Granny's list except for one thing, I think that was go to the pool, 'cause it rained-ed all week, but we went-ed to the museum, and we played on the curves thing and there was a big crochet thing and I climbed-ed all the way to the top, and the museum was kind of funner than the pool anyway.

Me: Ezra, what do you think me and Mama should do next week while you and Jude are at Granny and Papa George's house?
Ezra: Maybe you should go to the grocery store and get some wine and read books and, like, relax and stuff.

As I'm mixing up a melon gazpacho.
Jude: I wanna taste it!
Me: Sure, stick your finger i--uh, I was going to say, 'stick your finger in it,' but you've got your hands on your penis.
Jude: Yeah, I don't want dat on my penis! Ha ha!

Looking at a photoshopped picture of a bird spider on a dinner plate, for scale:
Ezra: What does it eat?
Jude: Plates.

Shortly after Ezra woke up this morning.
Jude: ROAR!
Ezra: Jude, the stuffed animals aren't talking yet.
Jude: ROAR!
Ezra: Jude, they're not talking yet! Can you just make sure they're peaceful?

Me: Ezra, did you know that Mama and I met twelve years ago today?
Ezra: Met? Met who?
Me: Met each other.
Ezra: Why did you say that?

Since we picked up Ezra's glasses yesterday, I'd been quizzing him to read me letters off signs. On our way to the YMCA to go swim yesterday, I asked him if he could read the letters on a sign up ahead. "No." "Okay, tell me when you can read the letters." "Um, when I have my glasses on?" I'd forgotten he'd left them at home.

Jude: That beer store!
Me: That's right, you went to that beer store with Mama.
Jude: Let's get some beer. I thirsty! Ha ha ha!

Jude: Where we goin'?
Me: We're going to the dentist!
Jude: They check my ears?
Me: No, they'll check your teeth.
Jude: I lay down?
Me: That's right, you'll lay down.
Jude: No.

Me: Ezra, what's this picture of?
Ezra: It's a school of fish swimming in the sea and the first one is the teacher.

Ezra: Mommy, I have something to tell you. I'm going to make you a poster in the morning, and you have choices. There's Superman flying over flowers...Batman flying over flowers...and Spiderman swinging from flowers and the Great Heart of Love.

Ezra: Mommy, I have something to tell you. When I grow up, I want to be a eye doctor, a superhero, and a artist. And my eye chart will be pirates.

Jude, building with Magnatiles: I make a funny robot. It eats bunnies.

Ezra: Jude, I have to be really brave in the morning. Do you know why?
Jude: Yeah.
Ezra: Because I'm getting a shot in the morning. I'm going to the doctor with Mommy. But you don't have to get a shot. But you are coming with us. I have to be really brave. But I'm going to take my gummi candy for when I get my shot. Remind Mommy, okay?
Jude: Okay.

Jude, after pooping in the bathtub: Dere's poop in dere. Buster do it.

Jude, pointing at a page full of scribbles: Dat dragon, dat good night*, dat dragon, dat good night, dat dragon, dat good night, dat dragon, dat good night, what dat?
Me: I don't know, it's your picture. What is it?
Jude: Dat dragon.

*knight

Ezra: Mommy, I have something to tell you. I want a surprise party. … Why are you laughing?
Me: Because surprise parties are a surprise for the person having the birthday, so it’s funny to ask for one, because then you’d know about it and it wouldn’t be a surprise.
Ezra: But that’s okay, because my memories go away really fast.

Ezra: Mama, Jude just stepped on me!
Lauren: Did you like it?
Ezra: What do you think? Does it look comfortable?

Me: EZRA! Get in your booster seat. I just told you four times.
Jude: Four times, Edwa. Four times.

Yesterday at preschool, Ezra told Karis to get everyone quiet because he had an announcement. She did, and he told them, "I'm going to make you all paper toys!"

Ezra: Mommy, you know how some birthday parties don't have snacks? I want my birthday party to be like that. I want it to don't have snacks.

I took the kids to McDonald's (to eat yogurt and play on the playground) where they ogled the Happy Meal toy display and Ezra told Jude, "Jude, you can have those toys if you eat meat."

Ezra: Mommy, I wrote a Christmas song! It's called "Bells Is What Make Our Christmas Better."

Jude, jumping on Ezra in bed: Wake up, Edwa! Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up!
Ezra: No, you wake up!
Jude: No, you wake up!
Ezra: No, you wake up! Jude (to me): Edwa won't wake up. He need new batteries.

Ezra: Mommy, I have something to tell you. Did you know leprechauns get to be as long as your thumb?
Me: Is that right?
Ezra: Yes.

Me, reading Ranger Rick Jr.: "Geckos chirp, croak, squeak, and bark. Some geckos even say, 'Gecko!'"
Ezra: Wow, that's clever!

Jude, going to bed last night with the fan on: I fweeze now.

Me: Did you finish your biscuit?
Jude: Yeah. It's good. It's all in my tummy.

Ezra pulled on the door to our mailbox so hard that when it opened, he fell on his butt and said, "That was unexpected." LOL

MEzra: Mommy, what kind of water are you drinking?
Me: It's not water, it's a soft drink.
Ezra: What's a soft drink?
Me: It's another word for soda.
Ezra: What's a soda?
Me: It's a drink with caffeine in it, like coffee. I'm drinking it to help me feel less sleepy.
Ezra: What's less?
Me: It means not as sleepy.
Ezra: What's not as sleepy?
Me:....
Ezra: Why do you drink coffee?
Me: Because it helps me wake up. And I like it.
Ezra: Mommy, why is there a bell on your cup inside a bell?
Me: ....
Ezra: Mommy, where is there a bell on your cup inside a bell?
Me: .....
Ezra: Mommy, why is it called Taco Bell?

Jude was just asking me for "dishwasher," and once I verified that he was not talking about the dishwasher, he took me across the house and pointed to the conditioner that he wanted me to put in his hair

Ezra: Mommy, can I have another bunny bread?
Me: Sure.
Ezra: Mommy, you said I could have another bunny. Now get it.

Jude: Read dat book, read dat book, Mommy!
Me: Not right now, Jude.
Jude: What you talkin' 'bout? Read dat book!

I started crocheting a baby blanket for my new niece and after I'd done about six inches, I said, "Ezra, feel this baby blanket. Isn't it soft?" and he asked, "Uh, Mommy, is the baby skinny like that?"

Ezra's REALLY into crafts lately, and he's tried to comfort a crying Jude several times in the last couple days with the news that he's going to make him a craft, but Jude totally doesn't care and Ezra's starting to get on his nerves.
Ezra: Hey, Jude, guess what? I'm making you a Buzz Lightyear toy. The Buzz Lightyear toy comes with two astronauts: Buzz Lightyear and Lunar Jim! Isn't that great?
Jude: Not wight now.
Ezra: And the Buzz Lightyear toy will have a helmet on, 'cause he's an astronaut. And the Lunar Jim toy will have--
Jude: Go 'way, go 'way, go 'way, GO 'WAY!

Ezra: Hey, Mommy?
Me: Yeah?
Ezra: Hey, Mommy?
Me: Yes?
Ezra: Hey, Mommy?
Me: Ezra, just say what you have to say. You don't have to say "Hey Mommy hey Mommy hey Mommy."
Ezra: ......uh, hey, Mommy?

It's been a pretty great day. I worked out at the gym while the kids played in Child Watch, which they love, then we went to Tiny Tykes, where they played with all the toys and kids there, then this afternoon it was 67 degrees and Lauren came home early and they went to the park. I got my hair cut this afternoon, and while I was gone, Lauren told me that Ezra let the dogs out the front door and Buster took a crap in our elderly neighbor's yard right in front of her son who was doing yard work and she had to chase him down and then get Jude out of the middle of the road because the mail truck was coming and then go back over there and clean up the dog crap. So this evening at dinner, I said, "Let's all talk about our favorite parts of the day." Jude said, "My fav'rit part day, my fav'rit part day!" So I said, "Okay, Jude, what was your favorite part of the day?" and he said, "Buster poop."

Singing lullabies while lying in bed with a wiggly Jude:
Me: Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, won't you let me go--OW! CAREFUL!
Ezra: Is that part of the song?

Ezra held his Hot Wheels car right over his water glass at dinner and said, "Look, Mommy, it's a car wash!" "No, don't put that in there!" "Why?" "Because it's dir--" Then he started sucking on the Hot Wheels car. "Nevermind."

Ezra: Look, Mommy, I have a bump inside my mouth. It nervouses me.

The kids are giving Lauren a hard time tonight.
Lauren: Did they still have the Toy Story Legos at the toy store?
Ezra: They sure did! Now stop talking.

As I'm trying to make a left turn onto a busy street.
Ezra: They're not Melodiddies, Mommy, they're Yellowdiddies. Yellowdiddies.
Me: Shh, I need to concentrate.
Jude: Mommy concentwate? Mommy concentwate? Mommy concentwate? Mommy concentwate? Mommy concentwate?
Me: Yes, I need to concentrate.
Jude: Why say dat? Why say dat? Why say dat? Why say dat? Why say dat?
Me: I'm trying to drive.
Jude: Why dwive? Why dwive? Why dwive? Why dwive? MOMMY STOP IT STUPID DWIVING!

Jude: Can we fix it? Yes we can!
Ezra: No we can't.
Jude: Bob da Builder!
Ezra: No we can't fix it!
Jude: BOB DA BUILDER!
Ezra: NO WE CAN'T!
Jude: BOB DA BUILDER!!!

Me: What'd you learn about in Sunday School?
Ezra: Just the same thing again.
Me: What was that?
Ezra: Jesus.

Every time I mention my ankle, Jude says, "What's wong?" and I remind him that I hurt my ankle running, then he says, "Watch dis," and runs up and down the hall and says, "See, Mommy?" I think he's showing me how to do it.

Jude, after polishing off a bowl of crackers: I wanna peanut butter sanwich.
Me: Let's have some fruit or veggies first. How about some orange?
Jude: I want some bwown. Bwown.
Me: Brown? What's brown?
Jude: Chocit.

Ezra: Can we eat at a restaurant on Valentine's Day?
Me: I don't think so, sweetie.
Ezra: Why not?
Me: Restaurants are really crowded on Valentine's Day because all the grown-ups go out to eat with their husbands or wives or girlfriends or boyfriends.
Ezra: Do you have a boyfriend?

Ezra: Jude, I love you as much as watching Curious George.

Jude, watching me apply an icepack to my ankle: Mommy hurt?
Me: A little. I hurt my ankle running.
Jude: I sorry. I do it.
Me: No, you didn't do it, honey.
Jude: Ezra do it?

Ezra: Hey, Jude, can I have your water?...Thanks, Jude, you're the best!
Jude: Yep. Da best.

First, a little background info: "Johnny" is the snake that Ezra felted from wool in the bathtub this evening.
Ezra: Johnny's going to pick the story tonight.
Lauren: I didn't know snakes could read!
Ezra: Are you kidding? Are you kidding? He's five. He's older than me. He can even do sign language!
Lauren: How can he do sign language if he's a snake?

Me: Time to take out the recycling.
Jude: I wanna help too! I very strong.

Me: Time to go potty.
Ezra: But I already went.
Me: Ezra, go potty.
Ezra: No, it's true! Feel my penis!

I put Ezra to work sorting a large pile of socks and he trained Jude as his helper, but apparently Jude was goofing off too much for his liking, so he told him, "Jude, this is not a game! ...Well, it is a game, but it's not a funny game."

Jude was crying about something and pushed me aside.
Me: Ow, my knee!
Jude: No, dat's MY knee!

Jude: No, gwaapes! More GWAAAAPES!
Ezra: Jude, you know how you talk for stuff you want? You do not in a whining voice.

Ezra: Jude, you're the best toddler I ever had.

Me: Okay, Jude, let's get your clean diaper on.
Jude (points to his butt): It's right here.
Me: Yep. Thanks.
Jude (points to his penis): I have a penis right here.
Me: Yep.

Bedtime story.
Lauren: Ezra and Jude were on a spaceship in outer space and they looked out and saw all the stars and planets. The first planet they were going to visit was...
Ezra: Mars! Except they have to be careful because there are mean aliens there and spaceships that suck people up.
Lauren: who were they going to visit there?
Ezra: well there are good aliens and bad aliens. Actually there are 3 kinds of aliens. One is named John and he is kind of hard to describe, but he looks like a tree. The next one is named Jack but he is only there on Saturdays. The last one is Dan--he has a green head and he lives on Jupiter but visits Mars.

Changing a diaper. Me: No, stop, you just put your foot in the poop! Hold still, I'll clean it. Jude: Yeah dat's wight.

Me: We have friends coming over this morning, Jude. Jude: OH, dat's COOL!

Me: I'd like to clean up the playroom a little before our friends get here.
Ezra: Uh, you go get started on it. I'll catch up.

We're listening to a song with a verse that goes, "I'm a little owl and my daddy loves me/ I'm a little owl and my mommy loves me/, when they tuck me in to say goodnight, they say/ 'Hoo hoo hoo little owl, good night," and Ezra said, "That must be in the morning."

Ezra: Mommy, do gnomes only come at Christmas?
Me: What? No.
Ezra: Then when do gnomes come?
Me: Gnomes don't come.

Ezra: When will be at the Mountain Play Lodge?
Me: In about 5-10 minutes.
Ezra: How long is that? Like as long as I go to kindergarten?
Me: No, not that long. It's not very long. Five to ten minutes is about as long as it takes to.......do one of your smaller puzzles, like the one with all the animals that you did this morning.
Ezra: My 110 piece puzzle?
Me: No, that one takes a long time. I mean the old one with all the animals that you did this morning that doesn't have as many pieces.
Ezra: Which one? I don't know another puzzle with animals.
Me: The one you did THIS MORNING. With the animals all standing on each other's backs.
Ezra: I don't know that puzzle. Will you show it to me when we get home?
Me: We'll be at the Mountain Play Lodge by the time this conversation is over.

The kids are really dissing my domestic skills this week. Twice when he saw me preparing dinner, Ezra asked, "What are you trying to make, Mommy?" and Jude just saw me filling up the mop bucket and asked, "Make pasta?"

Parenting WINS in the last 24 hours:
Ezra: Mommy, can I have some snowpeas for a snack?
and
Ezra: Mama, can you get me a couple more equilateral triangles?

Lauren had to work late, so the kids and I ate dinner without her. When I was passing rolls, Ezra said, "Remember to save one for Mama." I said, "We will. We'll save her two or three." Ezra said, "I think two will be fine."

I was cuddling with Jude the other morning when he whispered to himself, "I'm right here." I need to try to be more like a two-year-old.

Ezra, showing me his drawings: And this is the Little Blue Truck and a tree, and it's orange because it's fall, and this is a farmer, and this is hay, and this is the sky. [stacking papers] I'm making my website.

Ezra's never seen Star Wars, but he keeps hearing it referenced. He just showed me latest drawing, and when I asked him what it was, he said, "A star from Star Wars."

Me (skeptically reading a recipe): Oh well, we might as well try it, huh?
Jude: It's yummy. I want to try it, huh.

Buster jumped in Jude's lap and Jude smiled and petted him and said, "Oh no, what's the matter?"

Jude is harassing Buster and singing "Happy birthday, penis, happy birthday, penis!"

Ezra: Ghosts are not scary. Ghosts are like clouds that can talk.

Ezra (playing with Magna-tiles): Is this a diamond?
Me: Actually, that's a pyramid.
Ezra: What's a pyramid?
Me: Pyramids are shapes where all the sides are triangles.
Ezra: Actually, pyramids are big triangles that live in the desert.

Ezra: Mama, can you get Buster out of here? He's nervousing me.

Lauren showed Ezra and Jude that old viral video of the laughing quadruplets and Jude went running out of the room going, "Mommy, I scared! I scared of the babies!"