Jude: I'm fishing. Mmm, this fish is yummy! He's crying. The fish is crying. I eat meat. This a meat store. There the pigs, there the cows, there the chickens, there the...other stuff. I'm gonna buy some meat. I get some pig legs. I get some cow back legs. Cow front legs. Mmmm! I like meat!

Josiah: What I'm wondering is, is the devil just the place where bad people go, or is he some kind of monster too?
Ezra: The devil is a bad fairy.
Josiah: What's a fairy?
Ezra: You know, like the tooth fairy.
...
Ezra: Or, as you call them, angels.

Jude: I have cookie breaf!

In the car.

Ezra: Okay, I finished my book.
Me: Great! When we get home, you can read it to me.
Ezra: Aw, man, really?? I just read the whole thing!
Me: Yeah, but I want to hear you read. I love when you read to me.
Jude: I'm sick of hearing you read.
Ezra: Aw, man.
Me: How about if you read it to me later, around dinner time?
Ezra: Okay. 'Cause my mouth really hurts now from all that reading.

Jude: I don't wanna park down here! I not gonna walk!
Me: Ok, I'll give you a piggyback ride part of the way.
Me: [singing]
Jude: I hate when you sing!
Me: You hate when I sing? If you want a piggyback ride, you might want to be a little nicer.
Jude: Be nicer to who?

Ezra: Mama, can you read cursive?

Me: Do you think everyone will bring a stuffed animal to school today?
Ezra: Probably not everyone. You don't have to--it's a choice. I bet everyone will wear their pajamas, though, because what's better than going to school in your pajamas??

Ezra: Mama! Jude hit me, and then I hit Jude gently, and then Mommy said screen time was over!

After the field trip to the retirement home.
Me: How did you like talking to your elder?
Ezra: It was okay. She kept falling asleep.
Me: Did she talk to you any?
Ezra: Oh yeah, lots.
Me: What did she talk about?
Ezra: I don't exactly know.

By the Swannanoa River.
Jude: I hope we don't see a pirate ship!

Jude, drinking water at dinner: Mmmm, tastes like blooood.

Ezra's class is going on a field trip to a retirement community today.
Teacher: We might want to ask our elders some questions about themselves. What kinds of questions could you ask? ...... Ezra?
Ezra: "Do you like penguins?

Jude, after taking a bite of nori: "That tastes like a napkin."

Ezra: I know! We can make the scarecrows' heads out of lemon oil.
Me: Lemon oil?
Ezra: Yeah, lemon oil!
Me: How do you know what lemon oil is?
Ezra: Duh, you let me and Jude play with it!
Me: What? I don't remember that.
Ezra: You know, we made boats with it and stuff!
Me: ....ooohhh, aluminum foil.

Jude: Ha ha ha!
Me: Ha ha!
Ezra: What is it?
Me: Jude just tooted. Didn't you hear that?
Ezra: No, I didn't hear it.
Jude: I can do it again.

Me: I read that grapes and raisins are poisonous for dogs. Who knew?
Jude: Uh, hellooooo? You knew.

Ezra: How hot is your body?
Me: Usually about 98.6 degrees.
Ezra: I was asking Mama. Because she's a doctor.

Jude: When you eat a worm, a worm come out your butt.

Jude: Hey Mommy, check my foot to see if it's wet.
Me: Is it wet?
Jude: Yes it is! I licked it!

I was just eavesdropping on the kids talking in their bedroom behind a closed door.
Ezra: Step 1: Clean the playroom.
Jude: Yeah!....uh, I mean, no.
Ezra: Step 2: Make beds.
Jude: Then...go to the Dollar Tree!
Ezra: No. Step 3: Make the room.
Jude: Then go to the Dollar Tree!
Ezra: No, then get our money.
Jude: Then go to the Dollar Tree.
Ezra: No. We go to the Dollar Tree later when Mommy takes us. You know who won't let us go to the Dollar Tree? Mama.
Jude: Bleh!
Ezra: Mama won't let us go to the Dollar Tree.
Jude: Bleh!

Me: What's wrong?
Ezra: Jude hitted me and I'm just not having a really good life so far.

Ezra: I think Jude wants to get an allowance too.
Me: Jude, do you want to do chores to get an allowance?
Jude: What allowance?
Me: Allowance is when I give you money every week.
Jude: What chores?
Me: That's where you do helpful things around the house, like cleaning up.
Jude: No.

Allowance negotiations:
Me: So if you make your and Jude's beds and clean your bedroom every day and clean the playroom once a week on the weekend, then you'll earn $5 a week.
Ezra: I just don't think that's reasonable. I think maybe $6 would be reasonable.

Ezra: Mommy, I learned that phones have a lot of diarrhea.
Me: ...what?
Ezra: ...or germs.

Jude: I'm still hungry.
Me: What do you want for a snack? Maybe some watermelon?
Jude: No. I want something I never tasted before.
Me: How about a vegetable?

Me: You want to play outside until it's time to go?
Jude: No. You have bad ideas. ............. You have bad ideas, unless [he means "except"] you're a good mommy.

Ezra: Mommy, I figured out that when you're in 1st grade, you're not that happy that much anymore.

"The end of everything is the worstest part." -Ezra

Jude playing:
Person 1: Ow, my head!
Person 2: I like your head. So much.
Person 1: No! Nobody likes heads!

Me: Did you have a good time at orientation?
Ezra: Not really. I didn't like the talking eraser.
Me: The talking eraser?
Ezra: Yeah. Whoever had the talking eraser could talk, and we had to say our name and a question we were excited about or something we were excited to tell our friends about.
Me: What did you say?
Ezra: I said, "My name is Ezra, and I don't really have anything I'm excited about," and Mr. Eli said, "If you can't think of anything you're excited about, you can just pass the eraser."

I just walked past the kids' bedroom and heard Ezra crying softly, so I went in to see what was the matter. "In all the books we read, the parents make the kids cakes on their birthdays, and you always buy my birthday cakes at the store." Seriously? No more books from the 1950s.

Ezra: Jude, I have a loose tooth!!
Jude: I deenk you about to gwow up to a gwown-up.
Ezra: Would you like to wiggle it??

Ezra: Our magic potion's really yucky!
Me: Oh yeah? What's in it?
Ezra: Poop, pee, sticks.
Me: ......not real poop?
Ezra: Dog poop! And Jude peed in it.

[TWANG, twang, TWANG]
Me: Jude, don't touch Mama's banjo when she's not there.
Jude: When I a gwon-up, can I play banjo?
Me: No.

Jude: Mommy, you know what's the worst thing to do?
Me: What's the worst thing to do?
Jude: Play in a worm.

I had a pile of paper bags from the grocery store and went to ask Ezra if he wanted them for a craft project, but on the way I passed Jude and thought, I should ask him too. It's not fair to let Ezra get first dibs on everything because he's older. Jude's certainly old enough to make crafts and have his own opinions.

Me: Jude, do you want these paper bags for a craft project?
Jude: Ask Ezwa.

Guest (to Jude): Bye, Ezra! Thanks for having us over!
Jude: I'm not Ezra. Go away. Bye.

Twenty minutes into reading bedtime stories in the tent, Jude said he had to run inside to get something, and came back with a My Little Ponies coloring book (with no crayons).
Me: What's that for?
Jude: It's to look at in case I get bored.
Me: I don't think you're going to have a chance to get bored. We're just reading stories a little longer and then we'll go to sleep.
Jude: I'm bored already.

Dentist: Open wide, like you're eating a hotdog.
Ezra: Weeeell, I'm a vegetarian, so it would have to be a veggie hotdog.

3-year-old trash talk during a game of Robot Against Robot: Who is the powerful, you or me? ME.

Jude: Mommy, when me and Ezra are grown-ups, can we sleep in the guest room?

Ezra: Mommy, at our hotel, is there a lounge?
Me: ...I don't know.
Ezra: And also, what's a lounge?

Ezra: What's that?
Me: A gnat.
Ezra: What's a gnat?
Me: It's that.

Playing LEGOs:
Ezra: My name is Snail, and I have laser eyes.
Jude: ...good job.

Me: What do y'all want to do this afternoon? We could go to a playground, ...
Jude: GO TO A PLAYGROUND!
Ezra: Playgrounds are the worstest things ever.
Jude: Oh yeah, I forgot.

Ezra: After you and Jude drop me off at LEGO camp, you'll leave and you can invite a friend and have a---
Jude: TEA PARTY!!

Lauren: Did you tell the kids they could stay up late and watch a movie?
Me: Yeah! And I told them I'd go out and buy ice cream and cookies for them to eat while they watched it, and that afterwards, instead of going to bed, we'd put them in the car and drive straight to Disney World!
Lauren: I figured.

Ezra: I can make gingerbread men, and gingerbread animals, and gingerbread angels, and gingerbread devils.
Jude: Can you make devils, Ezwa? 'Cause I know you like devils.
Ezra: Uh, do you even know what a devil is? A devil is a bad fairy.

After a couple of pints with my sister and her family at Highland Brewing Company:
Me: I hope when you and Jude are grown up and married and have kids you can hang out and have a good time over a beer too!
Ezra: Well, we cannot get married, because there's a rule that brothers and sisters cannot marry each other.

Jude: There's a 'mingo in the river!!
[Actually an egret in the inlet. Still cool.]

ude: Mommy, look, there a squish bug.
Me: Hmm.
Jude: It a stink bug.
Me: Hmm.
Jude: It missing it legs.
Me: Um-hmm.
Jude: Can I pick it up?

Jude: Mommy, I a monster and Mama a monster and Ezra a monster and you a girl. You not a woman, you a girl.
Me: Okay.
Jude: Hey girl, what we havin' for dinner?

Me, reading Frindle: "Unlike some of the younger women teachers, [Mrs. Granger] never wore pants to school."
Ezra: WHAT???

Ezra was in such a good mood yesterday that he opened many conversations with, "Know what I love about ____?" where ____ was usually a gift he'd just received. I just told Jude it was time for lunch, and he said, "Know what I hate about? Lunch."

Ezra: The trains on your shirt glow in the dark. Know how I know that? Because that used to be my shirt, and then I grew out of it, and now it's yours.
Jude: Yeah, I know that. What's yours is mine and what's mine is yours.

Jude: I live on the earth. I live on top of the earth. I live in outer space. And my dogs are aliens.

Me: What's Dragontales about?
Jude: Dragons and kids.
Me: What do they do?
Jude: I don't know.
Me: Is it educational?
Jude: Yeah.
Me: What does it teach you about?
Jude: Dragons.

Last week, one of Lauren's patients brought her a nice thank you note and a big box of chocolates from a local shop, which all four of us enjoyed. Yesterday at the playground, Jude was playing and told me, "I going to work." I asked, "Oh? What do you do at work?" and he said, "I get chocolate. Like Mama does."

Me: What color fabric do you want for your shorts?
Ezra: Black with aliens.
Me: ......
Ezra: ...or just anything with aliens.

Jude: Hulk want nail polish.

Ezra: Me and Jude are going outside to catch some bees.

After I screamed for Lauren to come get rid of a giant spider I almost stepped on with my bare foot this morning, the boys spoke up in defense of spiders.
Ezra: I like spiders.
Jude: I like spiders too. Know what I like about spiders? I like dere legs and dere mouf.
Ezra: I wish I had a pet spider.
Jude: I wish a spider would sit in my hand.
Ezra: I wish a spider would walk on my back. I bet it would feel like a massage.
Jude: I wish a spider would get me toys.
Ezra: I wish a spider would drive me to the toy store!
Jude: I wish a spider would turn on the TV!
Ezra: I wish a spider would read me books!
Jude: I wish a spider would get me candy!

At a restaurant, Jude kept standing up and looking at the people on the other side of our booth.
Me: Jude, stop doing that.
Jude: Why?
Me: Because they might want some privacy.
Jude: People don't need privacy. People like each other.

Ezra: Tag! I tagged the rock! The rock is it!
Jude (to me): Remember: rocks don't have arms.

Me (singing in the car): We got frozen yogurt [clap, clap], we went to the park [clap, clap], we're going to Tunnel Vision [clap, clap], and then we'll go home [clap, clap].
Ezra: What is that song?
Me: I just made it up.
Ezra: How did you make it up??
Me: Because I'm a musical genius.
Ezra: No, you're a musical PENIS. Ha ha!

Ezra: Mommy, how many days 'til my birthday?
Me: [sigh]
Ezra: Okay, how many weeks?
Me: About eight weeks.
Ezra: So how many days?
Me: About 56.
Ezra: 56 days??
Me: About.
Ezra: So that's about, like, half a week?
Me: [sigh]

I overslept this morning (I just can't get on board with daylight savings time), so Lauren sent Jude in to wake me up. He started out strong, turning on the overhead light and saying, "Mommy. Get up," but then he saw me and decided I looked cozy and asked, "Can I sleep with you?" So he turned off the light and climbed in to snuggle, which was adorable, but counter-productive.

At Exhibition Night Wednesday, Ezra's classmates will all be dressed up as the community workers they chose to interview for this unit, and will be in their "workplaces" with their "tools" to tell us about their "jobs." Ezra told us that he and Zach came up with the name of the town that their classroom will be transformed into that night, Forever Kids Fun Town. "Ms. Heather asked who had a name for our town, and I thought lots of kids would raise their hands, but only me and Zach and one other kid raised their hand. I said Kids Fun Town, and I don't remember what Zach said, but we named it, and the other kid said, 'North Carolina,' and we all said, 'Nooooooo.'"

Ezra: When can I celebrate my birthday at school?
Me: Well, your birthday is June 8, and that's on a Sunday, so we could bring in cupcakes or something the next day, which would be Monday.
Ezra: So my birthday's this Sunday?
Me: No, your birthday's in June. That's months from now, in the summer.
Ezra: Oh. I thought my birthday was this Sunday. Is my birthday in summer break?
Me: No, just before.
Ezra: The day before summer break?
Me: No, not the day before.
Ezra: The day before spring break?
Me: No.
Ezra: So it's the day before summer break, or it's the day before spring break?
Me: Neither. It's a few days before summer break.
Ezra: Two days before summer break?

Me: I'm going to the dentist tomorrow.
Jude: You get balloon?
Me: No, I go to a dentist for grown-ups. We don't get balloons.
Ezra: You don't go to our dentist?
Me: No, I see a dentist named Dr. Rodriguez.
Ezra: Is that Fanish??
Me: Yep.
Ezra: What does it mean?
Me: It's just a name, I guess. Like Livingston.
Ezra: Your dentist feaks Fanish?
Me: I'm not sure. She's Latina, so her ancestors are from somewhere where they speak Spanish, but I don't know if she does.
Ezra: Where's she from?
Me: She's from here, I think.
Ezra: But you don't know if she feaks Fanish? Have you ever asked her a question?
Me: I mean, she speaks English. She's from here. I just don't know if she speaks Spanish too.
Ezra: Is this her first time here?

Lauren: Five more minutes, then you'll need to quit playing with LEGOs and get dressed for bed.
Ezra: I'm not PLAYING, I'm BUILDING.

Ezra's making a list of things to do with his friend after school today. My favorites are "spy on Zach's mom" and "see what we both know and what we both do not know."

Me: Do you know your initials?
Ezra: E...G...L.
Me: The E and the L are right. What's your middle name?
Ezra: Granny Cope.

Ezra brought home a mysterious art project wrapped safely in many layers of paper and plastic bags. I unwrapped it when we got home and it was an awesome fired clay hand bent like a little dish and colored with blue and yellow glazes.
Me: "Ezra, this is beautiful! I love the colors you chose for your hand dish!"
Ezra: "I was absent. Brynn did it."

Today was Ezra's classmate's last day.
Me: Did you figure out where Josh is moving to?
Ezra: Yes. He's moving to Hisami.
Me: Hisami?
Ezra: Hisami.
Me: ...
Ezra: Or maybe it's Miami. He said Miami.

Bathtime.
Ezra: The water isn't high enough.
Me: It's fine. It'll get higher when you get in.
Ezra: What? Why?
Me: Because you guys will displace some of the water and the water level will be higher.
Ezra: Where did you learn that? Because wherever you learned it, that must be fiction.
Me: I learned it in school.
Ezra: Well I've been in school over 110 days and I've never heard that.

Ezra, showing me his LEGO village: That's the Jinese restaurant. That's why I put the "J" on it, for "Jinese."

Me: So who would you most want to have over after school, besides Zach?
Ezra: Probably Sam*.
Me: I like Sam.
Ezra: You know what I like about him?
Me: What?
Ezra: 'Cause he's fat.
Me: ...Why do you like him because he's fat?
Ezra: That's not what I meant. I meant because he's a good friend.
(*name changed)

Ezra: Lucy's dad drives a plane, and guess how many times he's crashed??
Me: None, I hope.
Ezra: That's right! None!

Talking Elmo book: Elmo can use the potty! Ahahahahaha!
Jude: Not now, Elmo.

Me: What do y'all want for dinner tonight, burritos or little pizzas?
Ezra and Jude: PIZZAS!
Me: Do you want red sauce or green sauce on them?
Jude: Green sauce! And NO VEGGIES on mine.
Obviously Jude has not yet deduced the secret ingredient in my green sauce. Parenting win.

Ezra, on the crowd gathering to see The LEGO Movie: I love LEGOs 200 times more than these other kids.
...
Ezra, to some other kid outside The LEGO Movie: Who cares about the other stuff? LEGOs are even better than everything in the entire world.
...
Ezra, after I offered to sign him up for a half-day LEGO camp one week this summer: Are you going to sign me up for the morning camp or the afternoon camp?
Me: Which one would you prefer?
Ezra: I think the morning camp, because in the afternoons I like to hang out at home and play with LEGOs.
Me: ...Yeah, I'd hate for LEGO camp to interfere with your LEGO time.

A girl in Ezra's class has offered to give him all her Legos since she doesn't play with them anymore, a deal that was apparently approved by her mom and about which Ezra is seriously enthused. Today she wrote him a note in class that said "ezra dear friend" and had a picture of a heart. I asked him if she was one of his friends, and he said, "Not really. We don't ever really play together. We just talk all the time."

Ezra: Mommy, is the cake ready?
Me: It's done baking, but now it needs to cool.
Ezra: How many seconds will it take to cool?
Me: I don't know, maybe 15 minutes or so.
Ezra: How many seconds?
Me: Maybe...900 seconds.
Ezra: 900. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ....

Ezra: Mommy, when I grow up I'm going to have a opposite toy store.
Me: What's an opposite toy store?
Ezra: Where expensive stuff is cheap and cheap stuff is expensive.
Me: But who would buy the cheap stuff if it was expensive?
Jude: Mee-eee!
Me: Solid business plan, then.

Me: Hunh. I found what was making that burning smell yesterday. This plastic lid fell in the dishwasher and landed on the heating element and melted.
Jude: I think a monster burn it up.
Me: That's an alternate theory.

Jude: Mommy, your hair look like jellyfish.
Me: Thank you.

Jude's been playing preschool with his stuffed animals lately, where he lines them up on Lauren's lap and has her make them talk while he reads them books, and it's adorable. Or at least it was, until he started smacking them in their faces with the book afterward.
Jude: Line up their faces so I can hit them with the book. Mama, hold Spiderman's face so I can hit him.
Lauren: Is that what the assistant does at preschool?

Ezra: John [Jude's imaginary friend] likes going to Chuck E. Cheese.
Me: Oh, is John your imaginary friend now too?
Ezra: Well, I only met him once.

Me (for the third time): Ezra, you need to get dressed NOW.
Ezra (yelling): OKAY, not-nice Mommy! And not making good rules and not nice to children!

Rich (Age 4): I hate baby shows. Do you like baby shows?
Ezra: ...uh, well..
Rich: Because Jude likes them?
Ezra: Well, I like baby shows because I like babies.

As I'm carefully writing Ezra's name in block letters on the back of his LeapPad.
Ezra: You're doing a great job, Mommy! Nice quality work!
Me: Thanks.
Ezra: What's funny?
Me: That just sounded like something you probably heard at kindergarten.
Ezra: We do do quality work at kindergarten.

An hour ago, Ezra sliced up a banana then left it on the counter. Jude sat beside it and asked, "What's that? Sammy throw up?"

Me: I think Ms. Stephanie [student teacher] looks a lot like Ms. Heather [kindergarten teacher], don't you?
Ezra: Well, Ms. Heather has these kind of little lines on her face, kind of like a moustache. You have them too.
Me: Yes, wrinkles. Thanks.

Ezra: Here, Jude, this is a treasure map for you.
Jude: Ohhh, wow! Thank you!
Ezra: You're welcome.
Jude: Where it come from?
Ezra: I made it.
Jude: You made it??

In a public restroom.

Jude: Is this for big kids or little kids?
Me: This is the women's restroom, but it's okay for you to be in here, because you're with a woman.
Jude: Who's a woman?
Me: I'm a woman.
Jude: You are Mommy. Not a woman.

Ezra: I'm the only wegetarian kid in my class. Well, one of the teachers is a wegetarian, but I'm the only kid that's a wegetarian. When you and Mama die, me and Jude can decide if we want to eat meat. ... Why are you laughing?