Ezra: I think Jude wants to get an allowance too.
Me: Jude, do you want to do chores to get an allowance?
Jude: What allowance?
Me: Allowance is when I give you money every week.
Jude: What chores?
Me: That's where you do helpful things around the house, like cleaning up.
Jude: No.

Allowance negotiations:
Me: So if you make your and Jude's beds and clean your bedroom every day and clean the playroom once a week on the weekend, then you'll earn $5 a week.
Ezra: I just don't think that's reasonable. I think maybe $6 would be reasonable.

Ezra: Mommy, I learned that phones have a lot of diarrhea.
Me: ...what?
Ezra: ...or germs.

Jude: I'm still hungry.
Me: What do you want for a snack? Maybe some watermelon?
Jude: No. I want something I never tasted before.
Me: How about a vegetable?

Me: You want to play outside until it's time to go?
Jude: No. You have bad ideas. ............. You have bad ideas, unless [he means "except"] you're a good mommy.

Ezra: Mommy, I figured out that when you're in 1st grade, you're not that happy that much anymore.

"The end of everything is the worstest part." -Ezra

Jude playing:
Person 1: Ow, my head!
Person 2: I like your head. So much.
Person 1: No! Nobody likes heads!

Me: Did you have a good time at orientation?
Ezra: Not really. I didn't like the talking eraser.
Me: The talking eraser?
Ezra: Yeah. Whoever had the talking eraser could talk, and we had to say our name and a question we were excited about or something we were excited to tell our friends about.
Me: What did you say?
Ezra: I said, "My name is Ezra, and I don't really have anything I'm excited about," and Mr. Eli said, "If you can't think of anything you're excited about, you can just pass the eraser."

I just walked past the kids' bedroom and heard Ezra crying softly, so I went in to see what was the matter. "In all the books we read, the parents make the kids cakes on their birthdays, and you always buy my birthday cakes at the store." Seriously? No more books from the 1950s.

Ezra: Jude, I have a loose tooth!!
Jude: I deenk you about to gwow up to a gwown-up.
Ezra: Would you like to wiggle it??

Ezra: Our magic potion's really yucky!
Me: Oh yeah? What's in it?
Ezra: Poop, pee, sticks.
Me: ......not real poop?
Ezra: Dog poop! And Jude peed in it.

[TWANG, twang, TWANG]
Me: Jude, don't touch Mama's banjo when she's not there.
Jude: When I a gwon-up, can I play banjo?
Me: No.