Me: So who would you most want to have over after school, besides Zach?
Ezra: Probably Sam*.
Me: I like Sam.
Ezra: You know what I like about him?
Me: What?
Ezra: 'Cause he's fat.
Me: ...Why do you like him because he's fat?
Ezra: That's not what I meant. I meant because he's a good friend.
(*name changed)

Ezra: Lucy's dad drives a plane, and guess how many times he's crashed??
Me: None, I hope.
Ezra: That's right! None!

Talking Elmo book: Elmo can use the potty! Ahahahahaha!
Jude: Not now, Elmo.

Me: What do y'all want for dinner tonight, burritos or little pizzas?
Ezra and Jude: PIZZAS!
Me: Do you want red sauce or green sauce on them?
Jude: Green sauce! And NO VEGGIES on mine.
Obviously Jude has not yet deduced the secret ingredient in my green sauce. Parenting win.

Ezra, on the crowd gathering to see The LEGO Movie: I love LEGOs 200 times more than these other kids.
...
Ezra, to some other kid outside The LEGO Movie: Who cares about the other stuff? LEGOs are even better than everything in the entire world.
...
Ezra, after I offered to sign him up for a half-day LEGO camp one week this summer: Are you going to sign me up for the morning camp or the afternoon camp?
Me: Which one would you prefer?
Ezra: I think the morning camp, because in the afternoons I like to hang out at home and play with LEGOs.
Me: ...Yeah, I'd hate for LEGO camp to interfere with your LEGO time.

A girl in Ezra's class has offered to give him all her Legos since she doesn't play with them anymore, a deal that was apparently approved by her mom and about which Ezra is seriously enthused. Today she wrote him a note in class that said "ezra dear friend" and had a picture of a heart. I asked him if she was one of his friends, and he said, "Not really. We don't ever really play together. We just talk all the time."

Ezra: Mommy, is the cake ready?
Me: It's done baking, but now it needs to cool.
Ezra: How many seconds will it take to cool?
Me: I don't know, maybe 15 minutes or so.
Ezra: How many seconds?
Me: Maybe...900 seconds.
Ezra: 900. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ....

Ezra: Mommy, when I grow up I'm going to have a opposite toy store.
Me: What's an opposite toy store?
Ezra: Where expensive stuff is cheap and cheap stuff is expensive.
Me: But who would buy the cheap stuff if it was expensive?
Jude: Mee-eee!
Me: Solid business plan, then.