Me: Ezra, do you have to go potty?
Ezra: No.
...
Me: Ezra, are you sure you don't have to go potty?
Ezra: No, I don't.
Me: Then why are you holding your penis?
Ezra: I'm just rubbing it. I'm telling my penis "good boy!"

Jude: I wanna read gingerbread book.
Me: Sure! I love gingerbread men--they're delicious.
Jude: No! No, no, dey our friends.

Ezra: Where's my kite? I want to pack it for the beach.
Jude: We share it? We share it?
Me: Yeah, you can share it.
Jude: I go on top, Ezwa go on bottom.
Me: ...Jude, how do you think a kite works?
Jude: You hold on, and it make you fwy!

Optician: Did you see fireworks for the fourth?
Ezra: Yes, and we went to a fourth of July party, but just me and Jude went, we went with Granny and Papa George, Mommy and our Mama stayed here, and there were hats and glasses and flags and a crown that lighted up and we had cupcakes, and we saw-ed fireworks when we got back home, and we did-ed everything on Granny's list except for one thing, I think that was go to the pool, 'cause it rained-ed all week, but we went-ed to the museum, and we played on the curves thing and there was a big crochet thing and I climbed-ed all the way to the top, and the museum was kind of funner than the pool anyway.

Me: Ezra, what do you think me and Mama should do next week while you and Jude are at Granny and Papa George's house?
Ezra: Maybe you should go to the grocery store and get some wine and read books and, like, relax and stuff.

As I'm mixing up a melon gazpacho.
Jude: I wanna taste it!
Me: Sure, stick your finger i--uh, I was going to say, 'stick your finger in it,' but you've got your hands on your penis.
Jude: Yeah, I don't want dat on my penis! Ha ha!

Looking at a photoshopped picture of a bird spider on a dinner plate, for scale:
Ezra: What does it eat?
Jude: Plates.