Jude: What I don't get about Santa's Helpers [Elf on the Shelf] is why do people get them? If they know they sneak around the house and stuff? One girl in my class, they found theirs on the rim of the toilet.

Ezra: Aren't donkeys like horses, but not as good?

Me: I have 9,667 steps, so I need 333 more.
Jude: Free hundred firty-free. Free frees. Free free free.

Me: What's your tool for exhibition night?
Jude: A tape dispenser.
Me: How does a tape dispenser work?
Jude: No spoilers.

Ezra, looking for a gift tag for Jude's present: Is there one that says "with love"?

Ezra: My bracelet is bent here. See?
Me: Well, leather is a natural product, so it's going to have some imperfections.
Ezra: What's "imperfections"?
Me: Things that aren't perfect.
Ezra: What is leather?
Me: Cow skin.
Ezra: ....like, when a cow dies, they dig it up and use its skin?  Like, when it dies of old age?

Ezra: Oh, Jude, you'll like this: one of my teachers brought her dog to school and he walked around and sniffed all the kids.
Lauren: What kind of dog was it?
Ezra: A beagle and something mix.
Jude: What did it feel like?
Ezra: What?
Lauren: Like, was it soft like Sammy, or kind of wiry like Buster?
Jude: No, that's not what I'm asking.  What did it feel like to have a dog in the classroom?

Lauren: Time for bed.
Ezra: First I want an apple.
Lauren: It's too close to bedtime.  You've had enough fruit.
Ezra: [crying]
Jude: It's true--a doctor a day keeps the apple away!

Lauren: Those kids in the store were cute taking care of their baby brother.
Jude: I know!  Steal a baby, put it in a grocery bag, and say it's a watermelon!
Lauren: Do you want a baby?
Jude: NO.  Throw it in the trash can and say it was moldy!

Ezra, making French toast: "Mommy, a piece landed on the side of the pan!"
Me: It's okay.  Just knock it off with the fork.
Ezra: But I don't want to electrocute myself!

Ezra: Mommy, would you rather have one hand completely soaked, or both hands a little damp?

Me: We haven't played Uno in a while.

Jude: Actually I've played it.

Me: When did you play it?

Jude: With Buster and Sammy but it didn't kinda work. I was basically playing against myself.

Me: Did you eat breakfast?
Ezra: I had some Chick-Fil-A corn.
Me: .....what?
Ezra: Oh!  I mean cornflakes.

Ezra: I'm done.
Thank you note reads: "Dear Grandpa and Alice thank you for the money. -Ezra"
Me: Ok.  Ha.  Let's add something else besides "thank you for the money."  Like, "hope to see you soon," or "I love you."
Jude: "I like money, so thank you."

Me: 25 minutes left in the party, guys.
Keenan: Do you want to play everybody gets a sword and tries to kill everybody?
Ezra: Why can't we just have a miniature chess tournament?

Jude: Some kids found funderbugs at school!
Me: Thunderbugs?  What's a thunderbug?
Jude: Some people call them fireflies.

Jude, taking Atticus down our half-finished basement stairs to the new playroom: Don't worry; we're making some adjustments.

Jude to his friend Atticus: Mozart wrote this.  It's the turkey-ish march.

Kindergarten classmate: Jude!  You were in my nightmare!
Jude: No I wasn't.

Jude: I don't mean to be rude, but that man sounded like a toad.